I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
