we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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