I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
