my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
