In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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