it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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