And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
