Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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