hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
