I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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