we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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