I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
