whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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