Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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