he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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