I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
