Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
