I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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