Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
