last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
