Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Too much gin, very little bucket
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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