there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just gargled with NyQuil
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
