Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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