Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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