I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
