I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
