toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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