There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
When are your genitals available?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
