Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
