My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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