Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize