Dude my mom stole all your condoms
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
