so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
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