this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
