The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I need to align my fucking chakras
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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