Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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