i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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