booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
