my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
