What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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