How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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