my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
