I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
