So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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