can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
