its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Oh god it's open bar.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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