i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
