meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm experimenting with sincerity
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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