2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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