my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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