When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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