i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
