she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
