my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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