I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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