So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
