My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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