I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
