You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
