honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
