he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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