All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
