I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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