My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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