I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
