Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
