I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
