You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
